As we lay here in the hospital for the sixth evening I am feeling a wave of emotion coming over me. I know my husband will be fine, but I am fearful. We still have the pathology results coming in on Thursday or Friday as well as he is going to try oral pain medication tomorrow to see how he tolerates it before they remove the epidural and catheter.
I just pray that he has gone through all the suffering and there is only good news from here forward.
I am sad because I see that Emmett isn’t completely present with me due to the pain meds and that makes me sad, even though it makes me happy because that means they are working and his pain is tolerable. Don’t get me wrong, he is coherent and funny and his normal self but he is obviously forgetful, slow, spacey, and not really here with me.
It is an honor to just sit in his room with him as he lays in bed and watches TV but it is also sad to be with him and not have my best friend all the way here with me. I know to be patient though, and I know he will return to me quickly. I just miss him and he is five feet away from me most hours of every day and night.
As I sit here and look out the hospital room window, overlooking the night sky over Westwood all the way out to the ocean, the reality of where I am sinks in. I feel like this room, this wing, these nurses and doctors, are our life but they are just the experience we are in now. When I go home I remember that we have a whole other life that we are just a little removed from at the moment.
I see his slippers at the door and I remember that he will be wearing them soon. I see his truck in the driveway and I know he will be driving it soon. I see his clothes in the closest and I know he will soon be wearing clothes and not this hospital robe. I see our life and I know we will be living it again, together, mindfully and very presently.
This very moment though, I am sad because that is not now and this is not that. We have more of this before we can get to that. So, I sit here in the room with him. I know he knows I’m here but I know he also might not remember this, which I know is good for him.
He is resting now. He just turned off the TV to sleep for bit. They will come in at 11:00 to give him more medication so it never ends up being true restful sleep.
Sweet dreams my love; even if for only a few moments, sweet dreams.