First, I would like to wish all my loved ones a happy Mother’s Day. I hope your day is filled with warmth, love and peace.
I am always aware of this day as I have learned to mentally prepare in case I am not in a good place emotionally. As the day approaches I always feel I will be fine; I mean, after all it is just another day on the calendar. The fact that it is recognized as ‘Mother’s Day’ does not change the fact that it is still just a day of 24 hours, of sunrise and sunset. Somehow I am always wrong. It is a different kind of day for me. There is something that changes in me on this day, something either softens or gets heavy. Today it is both.
Because of what Emmett and I have gone through with his cancer diagnosis, his hospital stay and now his home recovery, I have been filled with missing my mom throughout this journey. She would have been a rock for me and known what to do at every turn with her vast amount of knowledge, insight and healing abilities. Not to mention she is my Mom and that would have been really nice to have her by my side, by Emmett’s side. However, she was not by my side, she was not by Emmett’s side, she was by her own side. Because of her choice to kill herself five and a half years ago, she chose to do what was right for her and end her suffering in the physical realm.
I am at peace knowing that her suffering ended for her here in this world. I am not at peace in moments like these when I am flooded with missing her, wanting her near as well as angry at her for not being here, mixed with a deep understanding of why she isn’t here and not wanting her to be here if it were to cause her more suffering. It is a lot of overlapping moments of heaviness and softness. I am able to sit with myself and hold them both, the opposites, anger and understanding, longing for and not wanting, peace and pain, relief and sadness.
Today is Mother’s Day, today is Sunday, today is an experience of living moments; being in the Now. That is what I am going to choose to do today, simply be. I am sad right now, so I will be sad. I know I will also not be sad at moments, so then I will be ‘not sad’ and see what else there is to experience moment to moment.
As I sit here and write this I do sense her with me. I hear her say to me, ‘I am right here beside you. I am so proud of you. I love you. I am sorry I am not there with you in the way you may wish for me to be at times, but that doesn’t make me any less there with you, and for you. I am sorry life is hard sometimes but you are doing such a wonderful job as a human, keep going, keep living, keep loving, don’t stop. Thank you for allowing me to see the journey you are on, living out your days as my daughter; this beautiful being. I love you, I adore you.’
I am grateful for the ability to hear her, for this gift of connection I have with her after her death. It makes it hard to be mad at her sometimes because she is right there, loving me and being so kind and present. She wrote about 96 pages of letters to me when she took her life and one thing she promised was being there in the Spirit World for me so I could hear her, sense her, when I needed her. She has lived up to that promise.
I have mastered the ability of allowing myself to feel whatever I feel in the moment with her. It has given me permission to grieve the way I need to; organically and honestly.
I share this today so I can stay authentic along my path, be transparent, give others permission to be radically honest in their lives; be present. This is me. This is me now.
Sending you much love and harmony in your moments.