As I sit here on the couch while my husband is sound asleep in bed, I feel the silence and the stillness of the night. I remember one of the last times my mother stood in my doorway as we said one of our long goodbyes. She would leave after a visit and then we would somehow have another 30 minute conversation in the doorway, onto the porch, pouring out into the sidewalk and then another 30 minutes or so at her car, and then somehow still call each other later that day or night to talk some more! ; this was a beautiful ritual we had and I loved it. Those were some of our best conversations.
I was sitting here remembering her and thinking of times we shared and a question popped into my head, ‘what would I do if I had time with her again, if I could sit with her and be with her, what would I do, what would I say?’ Immediately I knew my answer…
I would listen to her breathe.
I would memorize every wrinkle on her face, which she barely had but I would find the few that were elegantly whispered onto her face.
I would feel her hand in mine.
I would listen to her speak.
I wouldn’t say a word.
I would soak up her essence.
I would rest my head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat.
I would study her eyes.
I would feel her smile.
I would feel the warmth of her skin.
I would be patient, kind, selfless, accepting, nurturing, generous, and loving.
I would cater to her.
I would absorb her.
And then I would probably say ‘I love you so much Mom. I miss you with all of my being and soul. Thank you for bringing me into this glorious world. Please stay close, I need you so.’
I like to watch I Love Lucy or Friends before I go to sleep so I always go to sleep with a smile but tonight I felt this wave of longing to spend some time with my mom so I turned off the TV and I sat on the couch and imagined being with my mom like we used to be together; just sitting on the couch together for hours, talking, laughing, sharing, wondering, teaching, listening, being. It was nice. Thanks for listening.
For those of you who don’t have their loved ones here in the physical plane any longer, continue to spend time with them; sit and have tea with them, take a walk with them, be in nature with them. The relationship is still alive and we can be with them; don’t forget to sit with them and remember.
For those of you who are blessed to still have their loved one present in the physical realm still, notice the details and truly be present with them. I know it is harder when we are set in our bonding patterns and life is happening all around us with the stressors of our daily whirl, but don’t miss it; don’t miss them. Slow down and truly listen. Listen without planning what to say next. Hold hands. Make plans to do those things you always talk about doing and follow through and actually do them. Spoil them, forgive them, love them, accept them as they are, don’t try to change them, let them be. This is my wish for you.
I love you all and hold you in my heart.